i’m not the best at blogging or journaling or writing down my thoughts…or whatever else you want to call it. i am however good at relating lyrics to my feelings and then building on that…so i’ll probably end up doing that a good bit. at least to get my throughts rolling so i can put them to paper (or computer screen)
so, i have been on this relient k kick for the past week or so and i realize that despite their many crazy songs…they have some songs that just seem to hit right at my core and fit so perfectly with where my heart is. The one that i seem to have on replay is ‘i so hate consequences’….I’ll post the lyrics at the end.
for years, i have been involved in things that i definitely feel ashamed of. some i am more open about with people…and yet other things only maybe 2 or 3 people know…but yet no one knows the extent. i guess the past couple months have really put a new perspective on all of this though. i recently let some people in on one of the most personal things that i have held on to so closely. and although telling people gave some semblance of freedom, there is still that shame and humiliation that is associated with it. i have this level of disgust for myself and i have all but convinced myself that God is also disgusted with me as well. and for that main reason, i have let my relationship with him go the wrong direction. i acknowledge he is there and i desire to be back in his arms. but it’s like being a kid that has recently got into trouble, standing there looking at your parents or authority figure, still loving them and wanting them to love you back, but so scared that they are going to hate you or judge you. standing there alone, with your head down, ashamed, trying to catch quick glances of that person to see if they are even looking in your direction, hoping they are b/c that means that there might be a chance that they will want you to come to them. i dont know i guess i feel like that kid standing there ashamed with my head down and hoping God will just come over to me and pick me up and tell me it’s ok and that he still loves me. but i guess with how long i have been a christian and how far my relationship with him has come over the years, i should probably step out and walk towards him instead. i should be using that faith that based my life on and believe that when i start walking towards him, i’ll find that God is running right in my direction, so happy that i have decided to come back to him. anyway, with this song….i guess a good bit of the lyrics actually describe the different feelings that i have associated with this feeling of being ashamed and feeling like i dont deserve to be loved.
“i want to run away, i want to ditch my life. b/c all my mistakes keep me awake at night” so definitely describes me in this moment now. i wish i could run away, start over and do so many things differently. i would keep myself away from so many things that have caused me to compromise myself. i would get better grades, study harder, apply myself like i know i can. i would prove my dad right when he said i was smart and could do anything i wanted. and all the things that i have done do seem to be on my mind all night, most nights. i already have a problem sleeping….so it’s pretty easy for me to lay there and just….think.
“I don’t want nothing to hurt me I had no idea where my head was at But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that Because I just want for all of this to end” through all the situations and things i have exposed myself to and the sense of danger that i seem to seek out sometimes, i dont want to get hurt…physically, emotionally, spiritually. but i dont know what it is in me that still seems to seek situations and circumstances out that could possibly hurt me more then i ever realize. i can handle being hurt physically, but it’s been the past year or so that i have realized how detrimental it can be for me to hurt spiritually or emotionally. it took me a long time to work through some things and even then, other things were exposed and i have to work through them also. i think that is where i can say that i didnt know where my head was at. sometimes i guess i just didnt realize where i was headed or how i got there or how so quickly. sometimes it feels like it would be so easy to forget all the questions and just say i’m sorry and let it be and get on with my life. no looking back, no more regrets, no more questions. but i dont think that is completely possible…at least until it is all worked out. the key is not letting myself fall back into those things that hurt me so badly. i had no idea where my head was at, but if my heart says i’m sorry can we leave it at that?
“I so hate consequences” I really do hate consequences, yet i still expose myself to them quite a bit. i would have thought, by now, i would have learned. i would have realized ‘oh this situation, if i go into that, this is the consequence for it and it wasnt very pleasant the first or even the fifth time…maybe i should walk away now’
my favorite part of the song, by far is the last part
“When I got tired of running from you I stopped right there to catch my breath There your words they caught my ears You said, “I miss you son. Come home” And my sins, they watched me leave And in my heart I so believed The love you felt for me was more than The love I’d wished for all this time And when the doors were closed I heard no I told so’s I said the words I knew you knew Oh God, Oh God I needed you God all this time I needed you, I needed you” In my head, i get this picture of this part of the song as coming to the end of myself, all i see in front of me is destruction, all that is behind me are the ruins of the things in my life that should have been successful and i have nothing left to give or do. everything is this grey, dreary color. then i just fall to the ground, i’m dirty, cut up, bleeding, just obviously worn out. and i hear God say that he misses me and he loves me and he wants me to come home. i am in such disbelief that he could still want me after EVERYTHING, especially the times that i ran to the same things that hurt me over and over and over again. and as soon as i began to accept it or at least believe it a little, the destruction and ruins began to brighten up and things started to seem to rebuild themselves and straigten up. it is then that i begin to feel this overwhelming warmth and it’s so obvious that it’s God’s unconditional love for me and i just whisper to him that all this time i needed him.
i know that my words dont seem to do justice to the song and i definitely didnt explain thingss the way i am feeling them….but this is the best i could honestly do right now.
So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night
And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that
It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn’t turning out the way I want
And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end
And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I’ll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down
All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can’t go on like this much longer
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so’s
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don’t wanna deal with that
