Half My Life

so…i just had a revelation of sorts the other day….this year marks 13 years since my dad died….i am also 26 yrs old….that means i have now lived half of my life without my dad. after this year i will have spent more time without my dad then with him. that scares me, it makes me mad and angry that i have had to live without him for so long. and then sometimes its as if i never knew him. i barely remember anything about him. i dont remember his voice, his smell, i forget how he looked and all the things he said to me those last few weeks. occasionally i catch myself wondering how things would be different if he was still here. there are so many things that will never happen. ok so the typical things like he wont be there to walk me down the aisle if i ever get married, he wont hold his grandkids, he wont see my graduate college (which i know would make his so proud b/c he wanted me to go to college so bad), he never saw my high school graduation, he watched me play field hockey once and i dont even think i played that game, never saw me play basketball or highschool softball.
of course if he was still here, i may have ended up at bob jones university haha or in the army out of high school. but ya know, God would have worked it out either way. so maybe the only way i would have ended up at lee was to take my dad from me. and b/c he was a veteran, i was able to get help paying for school b/c of that. so many things would be different if he was still here.
all i know is i miss him and i wish i had more time with him….or at least the chance to have said goodbye. i didnt get to see him the last 2 weeks of his life. last i knew, he was doing better and he would be home soon. it’s like i’m left in this limbo b/c there isnt any finality to it….