The Journey

Half My Life

cakers00 — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 05:22:53 +0000

so…i just had a revelation of sorts the other day….this year marks 13 years since my dad died….i am also 26 yrs old….that means i have now lived half of my life without my dad. after this year i will have spent more time without my dad then with him. that scares me, it makes me mad and angry that i have had to live without him for so long. and then sometimes its as if i never knew him. i barely remember anything about him. i dont remember his voice, his smell, i forget how he looked and all the things he said to me those last few weeks. occasionally i catch myself wondering how things would be different if he was still here. there are so many things that will never happen. ok so the typical things like he wont be there to walk me down the aisle if i ever get married, he wont hold his grandkids, he wont see my graduate college (which i know would make his so proud b/c he wanted me to go to college so bad), he never saw my high school graduation, he watched me play field hockey once and i dont even think i played that game, never saw me play basketball or highschool softball.
of course if he was still here, i may have ended up at bob jones university haha or in the army out of high school. but ya know, God would have worked it out either way. so maybe the only way i would have ended up at lee was to take my dad from me. and b/c he was a veteran, i was able to get help paying for school b/c of that. so many things would be different if he was still here.
all i know is i miss him and i wish i had more time with him….or at least the chance to have said goodbye. i didnt get to see him the last 2 weeks of his life. last i knew, he was doing better and he would be home soon. it’s like i’m left in this limbo b/c there isnt any finality to it….

where do i take my next step?

cakers00 — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 04:30:09 +0000

my mom has always talked about eventually selling our house and getting an apartment or something b/c it is too much for her to take care of, especially since she has had her strokes. well now it’s a real possibility and maybe in the next year or so. It kind of scares me b/c i will no longer have a place to call home. i guess i carelessly have been saying that being at Lee is like being at home and i do feel like i am moving on with my life when I am down there, but being here in MD, on plater st….that’s real home. there is a sense of comfort here. i’ve lived in this house since i was a little over a year old, and i always thought that it would become mine at some point or i would have it to come back to until i had my own family or something. this actually scares the crap out of me. the place they are looking at moving to is more of a senior housing place and i obviously cant stay there. i can visit for a week…that’s the longest i can stay there. so if they move by next summer…i wont have anywhere to go during summer break. granted, i will only have one semester left so i could possibly try to stay in TN but i mean i would miss my mom. she is so sick and i just dont know how much time i truly have with her left. most of my friends have fairly healthy parents or at least one of them is healthy and they dont have to worry about not having them for awhile. but i already lost my dad and my mom is sick. she is a fighter and she shouldnt have ever lived past childhood and she definitely shouldnt have ever had kids so i know she will fight but there is only so much left in her. i guess it’s more then not having the house to come back to, but more of i know it will be the beginning of really not seeing my mom hardly at all. it’s expensive to live in MD and unless i can find a decent job once i graduate, i want to stay in TN.
i guess i dont know what this post is all about. i’m just scared about so much. i need a job once school starts. and so much is changing at school. two of the people that have had the biggest impact on my life arent going to be there anymore. and my best friends are trying to enlist in the navy so they will probably be leaving soon too. it’s like i’m slowly losing everyone. and i know this sounds pathetic, but i see no prospects for my future. that includes jobs, housing, and family. i want a family so bad but i never get the 2nd glance.
i’m in such a limbo in life. so many decisions need to be made that i may not see the effect of for a while but i’m just not sure where to start. and i dont want to do the wrong thing. i’ve already messed up so much on so many things.
i’m drained and i feel like i havent done anything.
my relationship with God is absolutely lousy. it’s like i cant bring myself to do anything about it b/c i feel too ashamed about so much!
ok….i gotta stop these tears from flowing

consume me like a fire

cakers00 — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 05:42:20 +0000

“Hey now this is my desire, consume me like a fire…”

Not only are these lyrics to a great song, but truly a desire I have deep inside of me. However, at this moment, it is just a desire. i’m not doing anything to make it happen. I’m just standing here, hoping, wishing, wanting…but that’s all in my head. I need to start moving with my heart or nothing will get done. sure, it’s good to hope, wish, and want b/c i believe that’s where you start but until you get your heart rolling, you will continue be stationary! why is it so hard to get moving, even though it is such a desire to do so? i say to myself just about everyday ‘tonight i’m going to really get going, i’m going to read and journal and pray’ but nothing ever happens, i get distracted so easily.
I think it would be easier to just completely dive in….no baby steps, no small movements, just complete abandonment and dive in headfirst. that has to be the only real way to go deeper with God. i guess i’m afraid of failure! i’m afraid that i wont grow quick enough, or learn fast enough, or enough in general. i’m afraid i’m going to let God down. haha how funny does that sound? if i havent let him down already in my life, i dont know what would do it?

so i guess my only choice is to really just dive in and drink in that desire and be consumed by fire….fire from God.

Home?

cakers00 — Tue, 25 May 2010 02:02:22 +0000

So, I have been back in MD for 2 weeks now and up until yesterday, I was ok with it. I have missed being in TN and at Lee, but it has been bearable and I havent thought about it much, but I think yesterday was when it really started to get to me. Here in MD, this is where I grew up, but I dont feel like it’s where I live anymore. Yes, my family is here, but as far as where my heart is and where I consider home….I feel that is down in TN! I have very few friends here in MD and I havent really hung out with anyone yet. All I do is work and sleep and hang out in my room. Its as if my life is on hold whenever I am back here. I dont feel like I make any progress in my life during the summer or over Christmas break. But as soon as I get back to TN and specifically Lee, I feel like I’m moving toward something and there is some sort of progress going on. Maybe it’s the fact that I am in school and there is a real progression happening there. But I think it’s deeper then that. I’m not sure if I’m called to stay down there once I graduate but I cant help to think so. Why would God give me such a peace and longing to be in TN even when I’m back ‘home’ in MD with family? Could He be preparing me for what will happen in the future? I guess I should probably really start praying about that.
Actually, I should probably start praying about alot of things….or in general.
I’m in such a slump when it comes to my Christianity and my relationship with God. *sigh* I wish I didnt fight it so much and put all the effort into running when I could put that effort into following Him.
eh, I’ll write more later! I just had to get some of that off my heart!

Innocence Regained?

cakers00 — Tue, 18 May 2010 03:46:48 +0000

Is it wrong or even weird for me to desire to be innocent again? To even go as far as to say I wish I was still sort of naive? I wish my mind and heart had not been exposed to things it has been exposed to, that I could take away the images, situations, jokes, stories, etc that I have compromised my heart and mind with.
I want to experience pure love! I want to be romanced by the only one worth loving! Yes, deep in my heart I do desire to meet the man of my dreams and fall in love and have the fairytale romance and eventually have a family and just be….happy. (ok i know it’s not all about a fairytale and being happy but that there are hardships as well….just go with me and my hopeless romantic side) But ultimately I know that before I even take a step towards that life that I so desire, that I have to learn to fall in love with my Savior and to be completely content in Him. I need to know that His love is the pure love that I long for, that His love contains the redeeming component that my heart thirsts for. That His love can ultimately make my heart and mind more innocent and pure. that his blood can take away all those thoughts, images, situations, etc that I constantly worry about. But right now I doubt that, I doubt that His love is enough. Is this normal? I mean, I’m a christian and have been one for….well technically like 20 yrs (if you go on when i first asked Jesus to live in my heart) 13 or 14 years since I began to really follow Him and feel that tug in my life. But after all those years and all the things I have been through and survived…is it still normal to doubt that His love could ever be enough?

I’ll continue on this more later…

I So Hate Consequences

cakers00 — Fri, 14 May 2010 09:21:08 +0000

i’m not the best at blogging or journaling or writing down my thoughts…or whatever else you want to call it. i am however good at relating lyrics to my feelings and then building on that…so i’ll probably end up doing that a good bit. at least to get my throughts rolling so i can put them to paper (or computer screen)

so, i have been on this relient k kick for the past week or so and i realize that despite their many crazy songs…they have some songs that just seem to hit right at my core and fit so perfectly with where my heart is. The one that i seem to have on replay is ‘i so hate consequences’….I’ll post the lyrics at the end.

for years, i have been involved in things that i definitely feel ashamed of. some i am more open about with people…and yet other things only maybe 2 or 3 people know…but yet no one knows the extent. i guess the past couple months have really put a new perspective on all of this though. i recently let some people in on one of the most personal things that i have held on to so closely. and although telling people gave some semblance of freedom, there is still that shame and humiliation that is associated with it. i have this level of disgust for myself and i have all but convinced myself that God is also disgusted with me as well. and for that main reason, i have let my relationship with him go the wrong direction. i acknowledge he is there and i desire to be back in his arms. but it’s like being a kid that has recently got into trouble, standing there looking at your parents or authority figure, still loving them and wanting them to love you back, but so scared that they are going to hate you or judge you. standing there alone, with your head down, ashamed, trying to catch quick glances of that person to see if they are even looking in your direction, hoping they are b/c that means that there might be a chance that they will want you to come to them. i dont know i guess i feel like that kid standing there ashamed with my head down and hoping God will just come over to me and pick me up and tell me it’s ok and that he still loves me. but i guess with how long i have been a christian and how far my relationship with him has come over the years, i should probably step out and walk towards him instead. i should be using that faith that based my life on and believe that when i start walking towards him, i’ll find that God is running right in my direction, so happy that i have decided to come back to him. anyway, with this song….i guess a good bit of the lyrics actually describe the different feelings that i have associated with this feeling of being ashamed and feeling like i dont deserve to be loved.

“i want to run away, i want to ditch my life. b/c all my mistakes keep me awake at night” so definitely describes me in this moment now. i wish i could run away, start over and do so many things differently. i would keep myself away from so many things that have caused me to compromise myself. i would get better grades, study harder, apply myself like i know i can. i would prove my dad right when he said i was smart and could do anything i wanted. and all the things that i have done do seem to be on my mind all night, most nights. i already have a problem sleeping….so it’s pretty easy for me to lay there and just….think.

“I don’t want nothing to hurt me I had no idea where my head was at But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that Because I just want for all of this to end” through all the situations and things i have exposed myself to and the sense of danger that i seem to seek out sometimes, i dont want to get hurt…physically, emotionally, spiritually. but i dont know what it is in me that still seems to seek situations and circumstances out that could possibly hurt me more then i ever realize. i can handle being hurt physically, but it’s been the past year or so that i have realized how detrimental it can be for me to hurt spiritually or emotionally. it took me a long time to work through some things and even then, other things were exposed and i have to work through them also. i think that is where i can say that i didnt know where my head was at. sometimes i guess i just didnt realize where i was headed or how i got there or how so quickly. sometimes it feels like it would be so easy to forget all the questions and just say i’m sorry and let it be and get on with my life. no looking back, no more regrets, no more questions. but i dont think that is completely possible…at least until it is all worked out. the key is not letting myself fall back into those things that hurt me so badly. i had no idea where my head was at, but if my heart says i’m sorry can we leave it at that?

“I so hate consequences” I really do hate consequences, yet i still expose myself to them quite a bit. i would have thought, by now, i would have learned. i would have realized ‘oh this situation, if i go into that, this is the consequence for it and it wasnt very pleasant the first or even the fifth time…maybe i should walk away now’

my favorite part of the song, by far is the last part

“When I got tired of running from you I stopped right there to catch my breath There your words they caught my ears You said, “I miss you son. Come home” And my sins, they watched me leave And in my heart I so believed The love you felt for me was more than The love I’d wished for all this time And when the doors were closed I heard no I told so’s I said the words I knew you knew Oh God, Oh God I needed you God all this time I needed you, I needed you” In my head, i get this picture of this part of the song as coming to the end of myself, all i see in front of me is destruction, all that is behind me are the ruins of the things in my life that should have been successful and i have nothing left to give or do. everything is this grey, dreary color. then i just fall to the ground, i’m dirty, cut up, bleeding, just obviously worn out. and i hear God say that he misses me and he loves me and he wants me to come home. i am in such disbelief that he could still want me after EVERYTHING, especially the times that i ran to the same things that hurt me over and over and over again. and as soon as i began to accept it or at least believe it a little, the destruction and ruins began to brighten up and things started to seem to rebuild themselves and straigten up. it is then that i begin to feel this overwhelming warmth and it’s so obvious that it’s God’s unconditional love for me and i just whisper to him that all this time i needed him.

i know that my words dont seem to do justice to the song and i definitely didnt explain thingss the way i am feeling them….but this is the best i could honestly do right now.

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn’t turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I’ll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can’t go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so’s
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don’t wanna deal with that

Hello world!

cakers00 — Wed, 12 May 2010 01:14:11 +0000

I will definitely be starting to blog more this summer. I have this desire to really dive in and figure out more about myself and more about God and my relationship with Him. I have sat stagnant for far too long and I am tired of that. I’m ready to kick off the complacency and start running forward to who God wants me to be. so….stay tuned I guess. It’s going to be a rough, but oh so beautiful journey!